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I had an uncle who was a conductor. Now you’re
supposed to ask which symphony or train line he
worked for. Neither, he was an electrical conductor.
You know, one of those rare people who are struck
by lightning and live to tell the tale. Well, that
uncle loved to tell tall tales. His story of being
zapped was total fiction.
Lightning, contrary to the saying, can strike the
same place more than once. A tree in my back yard
was struck ten years apart. A select group of humans
have survived multiple electrocutions. They are
an oddity. They are off the charts of probability,
along with people who have won the lottery more
than once. Their stories may seem fictional, but
they are real, just like the Deer Magnet.
L. Frank Baum never wrote about The Deer Magnet.
Lyman Frank Baum wrote more stories about the Land
of Oz than the Wizard of Oz. In each tale, Dorothy
is transported to the strange land by a different
method as unbelievable as it is contrived and clever.
Everyone knows about the tornado. She also suffers
through an earthquake that drops her into Oz. In
another she is swept overboard while on a sea voyage
to visit relatives in Australia, finding herself
washed ashore on the "Deadly Desert" that
protects Oz, not Australia. Her tale of repeated
luck and odd forms of conveyance is a fictionalized
story of being stuck by lightning, again and again.
Dorothy is in many of the Oz stories. The cast
of characters is much wider than the Scarecrow,
Tin Woodsman, Lion, and Wizard. Each character is
a unique Baum invention, some more compelling and
memorable than others. Baum assembled a pantheon
of beings to populate Oz and his New American fairy
tales. There are bug people, vegetable creatures,
a doll made out of scrap fabric who comes to life,
as well as the famous "Gump," who started
life as a wild deer-type animal shot by a hunter.
The Gump's head was mounted and hung on a wall.
That would have been the end of the Gump’s
story. After years on a wall, the Gump’s trophy
head was fastened to the headboard of a bed. Thus,
the detached head was given a new body: a mattress
and four legs of a bedstead; with palm frond wings
strapped to either side of the bed, a Frankenstein
monster, if you will.
This amalgamation was sprinkled with magic dust
and brought to life through the incantation of three
magical words (which happen to be the names of three
small towns on Long Island.) Upon his return from
the dead, the Gump was understandably confused by
his new body, but when told to fly he flapped his
palm fronds and leapt into the air.
Baum's Gump was unhappy with the form of his new
life. He preferred his memories of running through
the woods in his original stag's body. Like the
Cowardly Lion, Tin Woodsman and Scarecrow, the Gump
had complex psychological problems, not the least
of which was an unnecessary out-of-body experience.
Not all of Baum's invented creatures are in such
dire need of accepting and making the most of life,
coming to terms with their own special abilities.
Some creatures, like Dorothy, the Wizard, and Ozma,
the Queen of Oz, were completely human, although
Ozma is not as normal as Dorothy or the Wizard.
Ozma had been raised as a boy, ostensibly to protect
the young queen’s identity, even from him/her
self.
One especially human creature was the "Shaggy
Man." The Shaggy Man was what we today would
call a homeless person. His appearance was completely
wild and unkempt. He was old, wore rags and lived
out of doors. He had no family, no job, and no particular
talent. But he did possess a unique talisman: THE
LOVE MAGNET. As long as he kept the Love Magnet
on his person he was the beneficiary of all the
love around. So, in exactly the opposite way that
the non fictional homeless are rendered invisible
in our society, the Shaggy Man attracted love and
kindness by hanging onto the Love Magnet.
Baum might have imagined another magnetic talisman:
The Deer Magnet. Deer cannot resist a Deer Magnet.
It is more powerful than a moose call or an elk
horn.
A Deer Magnet would sell like crazy if it could
be manufactured. The market would be virtually unlimited,
at least amongst hunters. With a Deer Magnet a hunter
wouldn't need to dress in camouflage clothing and
hide in the bushes in the cold. With a Deer Magnet
you don't even need a gun.
The Gump, remembering the last moment of his "natural"
life, says his final memory was hearing a "crack"
while he was walking in the woods. Maybe the electrical
call of a Deer Magnet?
As it turns out, the Deer Magnet is real, but not
an object. The Deer Magnet is a living person. In
this case, a friendly young man who often seems
confused. So friendly and outgoing you might believe
he also had a the Love Magnet in his back pocket.
If he had the Love Magnet, he might leave it at
home or loan it to a friend. But his entire body
and being was the Deer Magnet, activated by sitting
behind the wheel of an automobile.
Deer jump into the roadway in front of him all
the time. The first time this happened he saw a
deer about to cross a busy highway. He slowed down,
stopped, and let the deer proceed. Just as he started
to put his car back into gear and move forward,
another deer crashed onto the hood and came partway
through the windshield. This deer slid off the car,
stumbled into the ditch, and keeled over. The car
was still operable, but not in the eyes of the State
Patrol who pulled the Deer Magnet over and impounded
his car, as illegal.
Statistically, the frequency of deer and automobile
collisions is much higher than expected, at 1.5
million per year in the United States. The annual
number of human fatalities is approximately 150.
One human death per every 100,000 deer killed.
Hitting one deer is a tragedy, especially for the
deer. The resultant trauma on the deer, driver,
and automobile can be massive.
The Deer Magnet didn't stop at one deer and one
car, or even one state. Two weeks after his first
mishap in the Rocky Mountains of
Colorado, he flew to Michigan. Since the accident
he and his roommate had been without transportation.
They were forced to bum rides to and from the grocery
store and all other destinations. Expecting a particular
graduation present, he convinced his parents to
give it to him early. Being very obliging parents
and understanding the need for and lack of transportation,
they purchased a new Chevrolet Camaro and bought
their son a one-way airline ticket so he could come
home and pick up the car.
He flew to Detroit, where he spent a few hours
with his family and then hopped onto the interstate
heading toward Colorado in his shiny new Camaro.
The odometer and speedometer were registering close
to the identical double digit figures when the Deer
Magnet's attraction kicked in. What moments before
had been a gleaming new car was now a bright, steaming
pile of scrap metal. Fortunately, he ducked as the
deer's kicking hind legs entered through the windshield
and found a seat in the back.
The car spun off the interstate, somehow didn't
flip and managed to clip a small grove of evergreens
before the Deer Magnet applied the brakes.
When the State cops slid to a stop and jumped out
wielding their industrial strength flashlights,
what they saw was a deer head with a new body: a
busted auto with all the windows blown out; with
pine bough wings protruding from what until recently
had been the driver and passenger windows, on either
side of the car, a Frankenstein monster, if you
will. If this amalgamation was sprinkled with magic
dust and brought to life through the incantation
of a special series of words (which happened to
be the names of three small towns on Long Island)..........but,
there is no magic dust. And it’s too late
to warn the others that the Deer Magnet is on the
loose.
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